Korrektur Bewerbung < Korrekturlesen < Englisch < Sprachen < Vorhilfe
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(Frage) beantwortet  | | Datum: | 11:14 Mo 23.08.2004 | | Autor: | ShiSue |
Hallo, kann vielleicht jemand den Text korrektur lesen, ich brauche den für eine Berwerbung als AU Pair in Australien. Denke da sind einfach noch zu viele Fehler drin. Vielleicht kann mir jemand auch noch Tips zur Ausdrucksweise geben, finde dass der Text eugendwie nur wie eine Aufzählung klingt.
Wäre wirklich nett und wichtig.
LG SUSi
Hi,
My name is Susan Im a 19 years old girl from the east of Germany. I have end school this year with my A-Level for social aspects.
Between the summer I have worked at a camping site as a children host/attended .It was really a great work, every day the kids were happy come to play with me and every day was different. Sometimes it was a little stressful, because I were alone and if somebody had a problem I cant watch at the other ore with full eyes or if something is to prepare. But if you organise it will work.
I really like children, and have already some experiences with kids. Since I was 12 years old, I sometimes looked (babysitted) after the children of my neighbours. Moreover, I absolved last year a practical training in a kindergarten with children in the age between 2 and 6 years. The duration of that training was 2 months. Since one and a half year I had done babysitting after school or at the Weekend. I have 4 families with children in the age of 7 Months and 4 1/2 years. Moreover, since my sisters child Ian was born in June 2002, I often babysitte and play with him. The days with the kids are mostly really funny and interesting for me and I and love it to spend my time with them.
It would really be a pleasure for me to be there for your kids, to be them a friend and help when you are busy with working.
If I should describe my personality, I would use the words, friendly, opened, active, self-confident, spontaneous, uncomplicated, creative and I am always willing to learn new things (this is one of other reasons for me to be an au pair).
My hobbies are all kinds of sports, but especially biking, snowboarding, swimming and trekking, travelling, meeting friends, play and work with children and being creative. I like reading as well as writing and drawing and I love the nature but I also like big cities.
If you are interested in me feel free to ask me questions.
Looking forward hearing from you,
Susan :)
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Hallo,
als erstes würde ich auf jeden Fall den Teil auslassen indem du sagst, dass es manchmal sehr stressig war. Das spricht in keinem Fall für dich. Schreibe lieber, dass du auch mal alleine in der Lage warst auf Kinder zu achten.
Im Prinzip ist dein Text nicht schlecht, es fehlt nur etwas an Struktur.
1. Was du (schulisch) im Moment machst
2. Deine Motivation für diese Arbeit
3. Warum sollten sie gerade dich nehmen (z.B. deine Erfahrung und Eigenschaften)
5. Warum Australien
Auf fehlersuche war ich noch nicht, werde aber mal danach schauen.
Grüße
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(Mitteilung) Reaktion unnötig  | | Datum: | 14:36 Mo 23.08.2004 | | Autor: | ShiSue |
Hi,
hab sie nochmal überarbeitet, denke klingt jetzt etwas besser. Schulisch mache ich zur Zeit ja gar nichts, bin ja gerade erst vor 2Monaten fertig geworden, werde nach Australien wahrscheinlich studieren, doch weiß ich noch nicht so genau. Also muss das denke ich auch nicht rein.
Danke für die HILFE!
Hi,
My name is Susan Im a 19 years old girl from the east of Germany.
I have end school this year with my A-Level for social aspects.
Between the summer I have worked at a camping site as a children host/attended .
It was really a great work, every day the kids were happy come to play with me and every day was different.
So we do crafts(painting, making things with paper and other material, baking), make parties with overnight stays, excursions and much different games.
I really like children, and have already some experiences with kids of all ages.
Since I was 12 years old, I sometimes looked (babysitted) after the children of my neighbours.
Moreover, I absolved last year a practical training in a kindergarten with children in the age between 2 and 6 years.
The duration of that training was 2 months.
Since one and a half year I had done babysitting after school or at the Weekend.
I have 4 families with children in the age of 7 Months and 4 1/2 years.
Moreover, since my sisters child Ian was born in June 2002, I often babysitte and play with him.
The days with the kids are mostly really funny and interesting for me and I and love it to spend my time with them.
It would really be a pleasure for me to be there for your kids, to be them a friend and help when you are busy with working.
I think I'm a family person, the relationship between my parents and me is very good and they also supported me wherever I do.
And I would like it to be a part of the family of the time of my stay and maybe after.
With living in a family, you get much more impressions of the country then only out of travelling.
And also the family can learn some new tings from the Au Pair especially the kids.
If I should describe my personality, I would use the words, friendly, opened, active, self-confident, spontaneous, uncomplicated, creative and I am always willing to learn new things (this is one of other reasons for me to be an au pair).
My hobbies are all kinds of sports, but especially biking, snowboarding, swimming and trekking, travelling, meeting friends, play and work with children and being creative.
I like reading as well as writing and drawing and I love the nature but I also like big cities.
If you are interested in me feel free to ask me questions.
Looking forward hearing from you,
Susan :)
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Das hört sich ja wirklich schon mal ganz gut an. Vielleicht gelingt es dir aber noch den Text etwas zu kürzen. Kompaktheit wird doch von vielen geschätzt.
Aber sonst seh ich da keine Schwierigkeiten.
Viel Glück, dass du genommen wirst and have a good time in Australia.
Grüße
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(Mitteilung) Reaktion unnötig | | Datum: | 16:23 Di 24.08.2004 | | Autor: | Marc |
Hallo ShiSue,
ich versuche mal eine Korrektur der Fehler, bei denen ich mir ziemlich sicher bin. Die Verbesserungen sind aber nur aus dem Bauch heraus.
Wenn ich nichts angemerkt habe, heißt es daher nicht, dass es richtig ist...
> Hi,
Dear Sirs and Madams,
(Besser mit Namen ansprechen: Dear Mrs. Rowntree...)
> My name is Susan Im a 19 years old girl from the east of
> Germany.
I'm -> I am
> I have end school this year with my A-Level for social
> aspects.
I finished school this year with an A-level...
> Between the summer I have worked at a camping site as a
> children host/attended .
During the summer, I was working worked at a camping site as a children host/attendant.
> It was really a great work, every day the kids were happy
> come to play with me and every day was different.
> So we do crafts(painting, making things with paper and
> other material, baking), make parties with overnight stays,
> excursions and much different games.
So we did..., made parties... and many different games.
> I really like children, and have already some experiences
> with kids of all ages.
, and already have some...
> Since I was 12 years old, I sometimes looked (babysitted)
> after the children of my neighbours.
> Moreover, I absolved last year a practical training in a
> kindergarten with children in the age between 2 and 6
> years.
Last year I absolved a practical training...
oder
Moreover, I absolved a practical training last year...
> The duration of that training was 2 months.
> Since one and a half year I had done babysitting after
> school or at the Weekend.
Since one and a half year I am doing babysitting...
> I have 4 families with children in the age of 7 Months and
> 4 1/2 years.
Du hast 4 Familien?
> Moreover, since my sisters child Ian was born in June
> 2002, I often babysitte and play with him.
..., I often did babysitting and played with him.
> The days with the kids are mostly really funny and
> interesting for me and I and love it to spend my time with
> them.
> It would really be a pleasure for me to be there for your
> kids, to be them a friend and help when you are busy with
> working.
> I think I'm a family person, the relationship between my
> parents and me is very good and they also supported me
> wherever I do.
... and they support me whatever I do.
> And I would like it to be a part of the family of the time
> of my stay and maybe after.
And I would like it to be a part of the family for the time of my stay and maybe longer.
> With living in a family, you get much more impressions of
> the country then only out of travelling.
By living in a famliy,... country, than by travelling only.
> And also the family can learn some new tings from the Au
> Pair especially the kids.
Furthermore, the hosting family --especially the kids -- could learn some new things from the Au Pair, too.
> If I should describe my personality, I would use the words,
> friendly, opened, active, self-confident, spontaneous,
> uncomplicated, creative and I am always willing to learn
> new things (this is one of other reasons for me to be an au
> pair).
> My hobbies are all kinds of sports, but especially biking,
> snowboarding, swimming and trekking, travelling, meeting
> friends, play and work with children and being creative.
playing and working with...
> I like reading as well as writing and drawing and I love
> the nature but I also like big cities.
Basically, you love everything?
> If you are interested in me feel free to ask me
> questions.
If your are interested in having me as an Au Pair feel free to ask me more questions.
> Looking forward hearing from you,
Looking forward to hearing...
> Susan :)
Yours faithfully/sincerely,
Susan
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hallo ShiSue,
also zunächst, ohne auf den schreibstil einzugehen, sind da wirklich zu viele rechtschreib- und kommatafehler drin!
lies doch deinen text allgemein nochmal durch und verbessere ihn, weil ich leider nicht den ganzen text einfach korrigieren kann, dazu fehlt mir leider die zeit (...).
aber um kurz ein wenig zu sagen: wo bewirbst du dich denn eigentlich, denn sehr förmlich ist dein brief nicht unbedingt (sollte er aber vielleicht ja sein  ). demnach gehören da keinerlei smileys und derartige dinge rein (würde ich auch nicht empfehlen, selbst wenn es ein unformaler brief wäre).
auch am ende würde ich schreiben: "i am really looking forward to hearing from you" oder am am anfang z.b. "...im an 19-years-old girl from germany..." (ob ost oder west ist doch egal, oder?).
wie dir vielleicht auch aufgefallen ist, habe ich eben gerade statt "i'm" "i am" geschrieben: das ist eine weitere wichtige regel im englischen brief-schreib-system: man schreibt keine abkürzungen wie "i'm" oder "aren't", sondern in dem fall "i am" oder " are not" usw.!
ansonsten geb ich matherammel völlig recht, du solltest dich kurz fassen! nur kurz erwähnen, was deine hobbys, deine sprachenfolgen und deine erfahrungen in diesem bereich (au-pair und kinderbetreuung usw.) angeht... vielleicht noch sagen, was dich ausgerechnet nach australien treibt und warum du dich für kinder interessierst oder so. mehr auf keinen fall. bleib am besten förmlich (s. o.).
ich kann dir noch zusätzlich, wenn du mir per pn deine adresse gibst, unterlagen zum anfertigen eines förmlichen briefs schicken, aber das ist nur ein angebot !
ansonsten hoffe ich, dir fürs erste geholfen zu haben und freue mich auf rückmeldung. überarbeite den brief einfach nochmal und poste ihn erneut!
bis dann,
leonce
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